Moving, Stress, Debt, Anguish, and Friendships

A practical update:

I moved to Vegas with nothing more than two suitcases full of my most necessary belongings. I thought that was a good idea at the time. Now my credit card debt is begging otherwise. I had to buy a new bed, work clothes... you know. All those things I needed but didn't manage to pack into my two suitcases. A car. Yeah. That was a big expense for sure.

I got two jobs. One is just a fun, part time job that I used to do when I lived here before. So I got my job back as an usher/ticket taker for special events at UNLV event centers. I also got a job at a hotel. Tomorrow is my first day. Starting at 6:30am.

I also will soon be getting paid $200 to get my hair chopped off as a model in a hair makeover video. I'm getting a fauxhawk. And for all I know, they may dye my hair blonde, too.

A social update:

I was first greeted back to Vegas with the traumatic loss of the friendship between my best guy friend and I. That was a low blow. I'm still attempting to just accept it, but that does nothing to tame the monsters of rage inside of me.

On the other hand, coming back to Vegas has granted me the opportunity to be bathed in friends. There's nothing more comforting than a hug from a close friend who has been there for years. Some of these friendships go all the way back to preschool! It's been uplifting to reunite with all my Vegas friends again.

I moved into my new apartment with my new room mate, Bobby, on November 5. Bobby is awesome and I couldn't be more satisfied than I am having him, my friend, as my room mate as well.

And, of course, there's still the loyal friends I have all over the world. My friends from Gainesville and my friends from my travels. I am grateful to have the flames still burning strong in my friendships near and far.

That makes my initial loss of a friend easier to deal with.

Last but not least, I must give a shoutout to recently made friends as well as future friends. I went to Lakewood, California the other day to visit my family, and I stayed that night with a couchsurfer, Eric. Eric provided the first couch I surfed at since I arrived in Florida a year and a half ago. It was an invigorating experience that made my love for couchsurfing reignite.

A rant update:

First of all, let me confess: I have been smoking like a chimney since I've been back home. My guilt has subsided and turned into apathy at this point. Perhaps even reckless abandon.

Secondly, let me forewarn: I am a ruthless realist in my current philosophy. Some people more commonly call this pessimism. As of yet, in my quest for answers, I have stumbled upon nothing more than more questions. No answers. Fauxanswers. I remain in a state of utter confusion. It is hard for me to put much weight in the worth of the good things in my life in the face of so much adversity and chaos. Each day is a blur of "responsible tasks" like fueling my car and getting my health card, and of flashbacks of the ferries in Europe, or of the traumas of my youth. They mingle together to form a haze of epiphanies so indecipherable that I am left in despair when each night has it's end. I had once again made it through another day of succeeding in nothing I find worth succeeding in.

I'm trying to turn that despair into a strength, a virtue, rather than a weakness. I plan on writing a book in the next year. I need this outlook to make this book as amazing as it has the potential to be. So bear with me. I can already predict the roads ahead are going to be rougher than usual. Don't take anything I say or do personally, for I am proceeding into a war with myself.

Drunk Rant... Sorry

""Long Hard Road Out Of Hell"

I want to fly into your sun
Need faith to make me numb
Live like a teenage christ
Im a saint, got a date with suicide

Oh Mary, Mary
To be this young is oh so scary
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this

Spin my way out of hell, theres nothing left this soul to sell

Live fast and die fast too
How many times to do this for you?
How many times to do this for you?

Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this

I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

Long hard road, out of hell

I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell

Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you"

Home Means Nevada

That's our state song. And now, after two years of being away from it and returning, I agree with it.

Life's been hectic and a bit stressful since I've been back, because moving is always crazy. But I'm so happy! I've already got 2 jobs lined up, am moving into my apartment in two days, bought a car, and bought a nice big bed. I'm also going to drive to California soon to visit my family. I miss California as well. I was born in California.

I can't remember the last time I felt this comfortable. Loving Vegas is like fully embracing what it is to live in my own skin. If that makes any sense. I have been having a hard time putting into words the way I feel about being home. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like the last two years were very necessary for me to blossom and grow. If I would not have left Las Vegas I would be stunted. The two years were necessary but at the same time, now that I'm home I feel like I have gotten back on track from where I had veered off the road during those two years of my life. Does that make sense or am I crazy?

Anyway, home means Nevada to me.