A practical update:
I moved to Vegas with nothing more than two suitcases full of my most necessary belongings. I thought that was a good idea at the time. Now my credit card debt is begging otherwise. I had to buy a new bed, work clothes... you know. All those things I needed but didn't manage to pack into my two suitcases. A car. Yeah. That was a big expense for sure.
I got two jobs. One is just a fun, part time job that I used to do when I lived here before. So I got my job back as an usher/ticket taker for special events at UNLV event centers. I also got a job at a hotel. Tomorrow is my first day. Starting at 6:30am.
I also will soon be getting paid $200 to get my hair chopped off as a model in a hair makeover video. I'm getting a fauxhawk. And for all I know, they may dye my hair blonde, too.
A social update:
I was first greeted back to Vegas with the traumatic loss of the friendship between my best guy friend and I. That was a low blow. I'm still attempting to just accept it, but that does nothing to tame the monsters of rage inside of me.
On the other hand, coming back to Vegas has granted me the opportunity to be bathed in friends. There's nothing more comforting than a hug from a close friend who has been there for years. Some of these friendships go all the way back to preschool! It's been uplifting to reunite with all my Vegas friends again.
I moved into my new apartment with my new room mate, Bobby, on November 5. Bobby is awesome and I couldn't be more satisfied than I am having him, my friend, as my room mate as well.
And, of course, there's still the loyal friends I have all over the world. My friends from Gainesville and my friends from my travels. I am grateful to have the flames still burning strong in my friendships near and far.
That makes my initial loss of a friend easier to deal with.
Last but not least, I must give a shoutout to recently made friends as well as future friends. I went to Lakewood, California the other day to visit my family, and I stayed that night with a couchsurfer, Eric. Eric provided the first couch I surfed at since I arrived in Florida a year and a half ago. It was an invigorating experience that made my love for couchsurfing reignite.
A rant update:
First of all, let me confess: I have been smoking like a chimney since I've been back home. My guilt has subsided and turned into apathy at this point. Perhaps even reckless abandon.
Secondly, let me forewarn: I am a ruthless realist in my current philosophy. Some people more commonly call this pessimism. As of yet, in my quest for answers, I have stumbled upon nothing more than more questions. No answers. Fauxanswers. I remain in a state of utter confusion. It is hard for me to put much weight in the worth of the good things in my life in the face of so much adversity and chaos. Each day is a blur of "responsible tasks" like fueling my car and getting my health card, and of flashbacks of the ferries in Europe, or of the traumas of my youth. They mingle together to form a haze of epiphanies so indecipherable that I am left in despair when each night has it's end. I had once again made it through another day of succeeding in nothing I find worth succeeding in.
I'm trying to turn that despair into a strength, a virtue, rather than a weakness. I plan on writing a book in the next year. I need this outlook to make this book as amazing as it has the potential to be. So bear with me. I can already predict the roads ahead are going to be rougher than usual. Don't take anything I say or do personally, for I am proceeding into a war with myself.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Drunk Rant... Sorry
""Long Hard Road Out Of Hell"
I want to fly into your sun
Need faith to make me numb
Live like a teenage christ
Im a saint, got a date with suicide
Oh Mary, Mary
To be this young is oh so scary
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
Spin my way out of hell, theres nothing left this soul to sell
Live fast and die fast too
How many times to do this for you?
How many times to do this for you?
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
Long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you"
Monday, November 2, 2009
Home Means Nevada
That's our state song. And now, after two years of being away from it and returning, I agree with it.
Life's been hectic and a bit stressful since I've been back, because moving is always crazy. But I'm so happy! I've already got 2 jobs lined up, am moving into my apartment in two days, bought a car, and bought a nice big bed. I'm also going to drive to California soon to visit my family. I miss California as well. I was born in California.
I can't remember the last time I felt this comfortable. Loving Vegas is like fully embracing what it is to live in my own skin. If that makes any sense. I have been having a hard time putting into words the way I feel about being home. The best way I can describe it is that I feel like the last two years were very necessary for me to blossom and grow. If I would not have left Las Vegas I would be stunted. The two years were necessary but at the same time, now that I'm home I feel like I have gotten back on track from where I had veered off the road during those two years of my life. Does that make sense or am I crazy?
Anyway, home means Nevada to me.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Goodbye Gainesville! Hello Las Vegas!
Goodbye Gainesville. Goodbye to opossums, water moccasins, and every other weird creature that runs rampant in Florida and I could never quite get used to. Goodbye to the "Gainesville beard", which locals say in reference to the fact that the majority of young men in Gainesville have beards of various sizes and lengths. But most have beards, nonetheless, a uniquely Gainesvillian phenomenon. Below is a picture of my friend, Sean, shaving his beard. I convinced him to. Rebel!
Goodbye to year−round allergies and frequent, freak occurrences of ringworm. Goodbye to Maude's, Common Grounds, and Brophy's. Goodbye to lush trees and plants, and green stuff in general. Goodbye to the Duckpond, which has quacking frogs rather than ducks. Goodbye to my awesome bike and to the opportunity to ride a bike safely around town. Goodbye Gators, I really could not stand all of you crazy Gator fans who treat game days like national holidays nor could I stand the fact that almost every Walmart, store, or other establishments bore Gator colors and on game days the streets are lined in Gator colors as the entire town seems to be wearing them. Goodbye to having a 90% chance that anywhere I go I will recognize about 3 or more people, and often those people are not people I want to see. Gainesville had a way of providing exboyfriend minefields for me. That's part of what instigated my recent fall on my face last month. Goodbye humidity. Goodbye Atlantic Ocean. Goodbye to all things uniquely Floridian and/or Gainesvillian. But most importantly, goodbye to all the people I met, all the friendships I formed, the people I fell in love with, and even the people I ended up becoming near enemies with. I will never forget you. And, someone in particular deserves a special goodbye. Goodbye Tom. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I am currently writing this on the airplane headed to Las Vegas. Crazy technology. Who would have thought you could surf the internet with wifi on your laptop from an extreme altitude such as this?! Nuts!
Anyway, I am currently listening to a song from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, "I'm Going Home", and the lyrics are remarkably perfect for how I feel about moving back home to Las Vegas. Here's an excerpt: "On the day I went away, goodbye was all I had to say. Now I want to come again and stay... I'm going home."
Now I'm listening to Tom Wait's song, "Mr. Siegal", a song about Las Vegas. This line in particular sounds like the perfect description of Vegas, if you consider Las Vegas to be the "porch light". Here's the line, "How do the angels get to sleep when the Devil leaves his porch light on?"
HELLO Las Vegas! Hello home! Hello slot machines in grocery stores, the airport, and gas stations. Hello to everything being open 24/7. Hello to all my old friends, some of whom have been my friends since preschool or kindergarten. Hello to knowing a city like the back of my hand. Hello to a place where it is NOT safe to ride a bike around town. Hello to casinos. Hello to multitudes of buffets. Hello to UNLV and CCSN. Hello to black widows, water beetles, scorpions, rattlesnakes, coyotes, mountain lions, chipmunks and all other critters that I am completely used to. Hello again to modeling. Hello dry, brown, desert. Hello Jack In the Box, In N Out, fried Oreos, fried cheese curds, and foot−long hot dogs. Hello to the Pacific Ocean. Hello to all things uniquely Las Vegas; things I hated when I left and love and appreciate now that I'm returning. HELLO to having a true sense of having a home, as opposed to the fleeting "homes" I felt I belonged in Dresden, Gainesville, Toulouse, and every other place I got a crush on while traveling. Hello to the next chapter of my life!
Goodbye to year−round allergies and frequent, freak occurrences of ringworm. Goodbye to Maude's, Common Grounds, and Brophy's. Goodbye to lush trees and plants, and green stuff in general. Goodbye to the Duckpond, which has quacking frogs rather than ducks. Goodbye to my awesome bike and to the opportunity to ride a bike safely around town. Goodbye Gators, I really could not stand all of you crazy Gator fans who treat game days like national holidays nor could I stand the fact that almost every Walmart, store, or other establishments bore Gator colors and on game days the streets are lined in Gator colors as the entire town seems to be wearing them. Goodbye to having a 90% chance that anywhere I go I will recognize about 3 or more people, and often those people are not people I want to see. Gainesville had a way of providing exboyfriend minefields for me. That's part of what instigated my recent fall on my face last month. Goodbye humidity. Goodbye Atlantic Ocean. Goodbye to all things uniquely Floridian and/or Gainesvillian. But most importantly, goodbye to all the people I met, all the friendships I formed, the people I fell in love with, and even the people I ended up becoming near enemies with. I will never forget you. And, someone in particular deserves a special goodbye. Goodbye Tom. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I am currently writing this on the airplane headed to Las Vegas. Crazy technology. Who would have thought you could surf the internet with wifi on your laptop from an extreme altitude such as this?! Nuts!
Anyway, I am currently listening to a song from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, "I'm Going Home", and the lyrics are remarkably perfect for how I feel about moving back home to Las Vegas. Here's an excerpt: "On the day I went away, goodbye was all I had to say. Now I want to come again and stay... I'm going home."
Now I'm listening to Tom Wait's song, "Mr. Siegal", a song about Las Vegas. This line in particular sounds like the perfect description of Vegas, if you consider Las Vegas to be the "porch light". Here's the line, "How do the angels get to sleep when the Devil leaves his porch light on?"
HELLO Las Vegas! Hello home! Hello slot machines in grocery stores, the airport, and gas stations. Hello to everything being open 24/7. Hello to all my old friends, some of whom have been my friends since preschool or kindergarten. Hello to knowing a city like the back of my hand. Hello to a place where it is NOT safe to ride a bike around town. Hello to casinos. Hello to multitudes of buffets. Hello to UNLV and CCSN. Hello to black widows, water beetles, scorpions, rattlesnakes, coyotes, mountain lions, chipmunks and all other critters that I am completely used to. Hello again to modeling. Hello dry, brown, desert. Hello Jack In the Box, In N Out, fried Oreos, fried cheese curds, and foot−long hot dogs. Hello to the Pacific Ocean. Hello to all things uniquely Las Vegas; things I hated when I left and love and appreciate now that I'm returning. HELLO to having a true sense of having a home, as opposed to the fleeting "homes" I felt I belonged in Dresden, Gainesville, Toulouse, and every other place I got a crush on while traveling. Hello to the next chapter of my life!
Friday, October 2, 2009
1 week quit / How Will You Celebrate?
That's what my quitting booklet page is titled for those who have made it one week without smoking. It says, "Congratulations! You're a non smoker! You deserve a reward!"
Well, when I read that yesterday, on Day 7, I couldn't help but laugh bitterly because I had just gotten out of bed around noon and had to head to work soon after. I knew that not only would I not have the opportunity to reward myself, but that this particular day would make me question why I bothered quitting smoking in the first place. And I was right.
However. Today is Day 8. And today I have rewarded myself doubly for making it so long despite a terrible work week.
I quit. Granted, I put in my two weeks notice a week ago, and working today would have meant I only had one week left to put up with their disrespect and treating me like crap. But I rewarded myself for quitting smoking with the gift of time. My life has been absolutely miserable for the last few weeks largely because of work. So now, I can enjoy my last month in Gainesville in peace. And when I go back to pick up my last check and return my work shirts, you can bet your ass that their also going to get a piece of my mind. I'm going to write them a long letter explaining every single reason that I feel I have been slighted, disrespected, unappreciated, and lied to since the day I started working there 9 months ago.
DOWN WITH MOTHER EARTH / NRG!!!!! I hope this economy makes them go bankrupt.
Well, when I read that yesterday, on Day 7, I couldn't help but laugh bitterly because I had just gotten out of bed around noon and had to head to work soon after. I knew that not only would I not have the opportunity to reward myself, but that this particular day would make me question why I bothered quitting smoking in the first place. And I was right.
However. Today is Day 8. And today I have rewarded myself doubly for making it so long despite a terrible work week.
I quit. Granted, I put in my two weeks notice a week ago, and working today would have meant I only had one week left to put up with their disrespect and treating me like crap. But I rewarded myself for quitting smoking with the gift of time. My life has been absolutely miserable for the last few weeks largely because of work. So now, I can enjoy my last month in Gainesville in peace. And when I go back to pick up my last check and return my work shirts, you can bet your ass that their also going to get a piece of my mind. I'm going to write them a long letter explaining every single reason that I feel I have been slighted, disrespected, unappreciated, and lied to since the day I started working there 9 months ago.
DOWN WITH MOTHER EARTH / NRG!!!!! I hope this economy makes them go bankrupt.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Life Springs Eternal on a Gaudy Neon Street
I remember that day, only about a year and a half ago... January 8, 2008 to be exact... when I looked out the airplane window down on Las Vegas while listening to Sheryl Crow sing "Leaving Las Vegas" on my mp3 player. It was so significant to me. I was escaping the hell of a clutch most locals can never seem to wiggle out of. I was free. Free of Las Vegas and everything it represented, everything it was, everything it meant, everything that makes it a world famous travel destination. While tourists all over the world were traveling TO Las Vegas, I was traveling AWAY from Las Vegas. And damn proud of that fact.
Cute picture of my friend Holly gambling at my favorite slot machine game.
I symbolically died while traveling. The girl who left Las Vegas on January 8, 2008, no longer exists. She completely transformed into a new entity while traveling. She was learning and growing and experiencing so many new things. She was wrapping herself into a cocoon, blind in the dark, ready to open the doors of transformation and metamorphosis. A soul mate of sorts whom I met in Dresden was able to most accurately find a song and video that seemed to mirror my reality. It's called "Strange Little Girl" and it's by the Stranglers. Here's the link to the video if you're interested.
Both my arm tattoo and my new chest tattoo are symbolically telling the story of the transformation that was triggered by vagabonding which is much more complex than I'd like to explain further.
The point is, I am not the same person I was when I left Las Vegas.
And now, almost two years later, the girl I have become recently is ready to go home. I have developed a new found love and appreciation for Las Vegas. I am proud of the fact I was raised there. I'm proud that I'm a mini legend in the small group of people who are attentive to homeless issues. I'm proud of my memories, good and "bad" that have shaped my early stages of transformation. I'm proud of getting my first three legal tattoos by Max at Pricz. Though they pale in comparison to my newest tattoos by Little Mike at Anthem in Gainesville, they ARE me, and I love them. I'm ready to go back home and seal up unfinished business. I'm ready to finally step foot in Las Vegas again and have the ability to view it with entirely new, crystalline eyes. I'm ready to feel the peace float through my chest as I gaze upon familiar places. I will probably tear up a little when I get to Jack In The Box again. I'm ready to dip my toes in the possibilities of participating in the glamorous side of Vegas working. How cool would it be if I could answer "yes" to people I meet while traveling when they ask me if I was a Las Vegas showgirl?! I'm ready to go back to UNLV and finish my degree in social work. I'm ready to start modeling again. I can't wait to do another hairshow and get paid to get an awesome new hair cut, color, and style (and free hair products)!
On October 27, 2009, I will be gazing out of an airplane window looking down at Las Vegas while listening to Sheryl Crow sing "Leaving Las Vegas" on my mp3 player. And it will be significant then, too. Because though I said I'd never go back, I'm actually going back. And that makes me happy. I'm going to buy a "Las Vegas" shirt the first chance I get! I'm a Vegas girl and damn proud!
P.S. Just in case I haven't made myself clear to those of you who don't know, my most recent update on my "leaving Gainesville" plans have turned into the resolve that I'm going to take that flight to Vegas on October 27, but not get back on the return flight. I will stay in Vegas for a while. No Texas. No vagabonding. No road trip. Just going home.
Cute picture of my friend Holly gambling at my favorite slot machine game.
I symbolically died while traveling. The girl who left Las Vegas on January 8, 2008, no longer exists. She completely transformed into a new entity while traveling. She was learning and growing and experiencing so many new things. She was wrapping herself into a cocoon, blind in the dark, ready to open the doors of transformation and metamorphosis. A soul mate of sorts whom I met in Dresden was able to most accurately find a song and video that seemed to mirror my reality. It's called "Strange Little Girl" and it's by the Stranglers. Here's the link to the video if you're interested.
Both my arm tattoo and my new chest tattoo are symbolically telling the story of the transformation that was triggered by vagabonding which is much more complex than I'd like to explain further.
The point is, I am not the same person I was when I left Las Vegas.
And now, almost two years later, the girl I have become recently is ready to go home. I have developed a new found love and appreciation for Las Vegas. I am proud of the fact I was raised there. I'm proud that I'm a mini legend in the small group of people who are attentive to homeless issues. I'm proud of my memories, good and "bad" that have shaped my early stages of transformation. I'm proud of getting my first three legal tattoos by Max at Pricz. Though they pale in comparison to my newest tattoos by Little Mike at Anthem in Gainesville, they ARE me, and I love them. I'm ready to go back home and seal up unfinished business. I'm ready to finally step foot in Las Vegas again and have the ability to view it with entirely new, crystalline eyes. I'm ready to feel the peace float through my chest as I gaze upon familiar places. I will probably tear up a little when I get to Jack In The Box again. I'm ready to dip my toes in the possibilities of participating in the glamorous side of Vegas working. How cool would it be if I could answer "yes" to people I meet while traveling when they ask me if I was a Las Vegas showgirl?! I'm ready to go back to UNLV and finish my degree in social work. I'm ready to start modeling again. I can't wait to do another hairshow and get paid to get an awesome new hair cut, color, and style (and free hair products)!
On October 27, 2009, I will be gazing out of an airplane window looking down at Las Vegas while listening to Sheryl Crow sing "Leaving Las Vegas" on my mp3 player. And it will be significant then, too. Because though I said I'd never go back, I'm actually going back. And that makes me happy. I'm going to buy a "Las Vegas" shirt the first chance I get! I'm a Vegas girl and damn proud!
P.S. Just in case I haven't made myself clear to those of you who don't know, my most recent update on my "leaving Gainesville" plans have turned into the resolve that I'm going to take that flight to Vegas on October 27, but not get back on the return flight. I will stay in Vegas for a while. No Texas. No vagabonding. No road trip. Just going home.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Quitting Smoking. For REAL this time!
Today is Day 1 of me taking a magical pill that is supposed to help me quit smoking. This wonderful yellow pill is called "Bupropion". I'm supposed to take it while continuing to smoke for about 7 to 10 days before kicking the cigs. Then I'll probably start using the patch in addition. I also have quitting smoking hypnosis cd's. I have tried and failed so many times of quitting smoking, but being prescribed this novel method has renewed my confidence. I don't see how I could possibly fail this time! Wish me luck!
PS My injuries are healing quite nicely.
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